


I See The Light (Shining On Me)

by NeedleToTheGroove (melissa7187)



Series: I Had All The Stars (With You) [1]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Slow Burn, death of a family member, merry pitchmas 2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 08:43:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5532953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melissa7187/pseuds/NeedleToTheGroove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Beca falls apart during the holiday season, Chloe is the one to put her back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And maybe, just maybe I'll come home

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Pitchmas 2015! This is my second contribution for this holiday, which is aimed at anyone who just likes a smutty and angsty slow burn Christmas fic.
> 
> I just really like a dark and dreary Christmas tale.

It was cold the day it happened. And that was what she kept with her.

It was the end of October. All of the stores were selling out of pumpkins and candy, she had finally finished moving all of her junk into their new apartment, and it was freezing out. Far too cold for what was still the beginning of fall, but maybe they had been lucky all year. Maybe it was fitting.

He found her sitting on their back deck that overlooked the parking lot of the CVS behind them, glaring down at her phone and trying to keep her shit together. She was terribly cold and his hands were a welcome comfort as he guided her out of the drizzle and into their kitchen. He pulled off her damp Barden hoodie, wiped the mix of rain and tears off of her face, and started to make her a cup of apple cider with the Keurig as she sunk onto a bar stool and tried to calm down.

He looked concerned as he turned around with the steaming cup, trying to smile as he studied her and also trying not to say a word. It worked best to let her go first whenever she was upset. She had a history of flying off the handle when pressured and he bit his bottom lip when he caught her fingers quivering as she sent a quick text. It was chilly out, the kind of unexpected weather that sent you digging through your closet for a sweater while cursing the weatherman, but not enough to send her into this tailspin.

“My mom died this morning.”

The cup slid out of his hand and shattered as it hit the floor, sending tiny pieces of colored glass flying as the room suddenly smelt like cinnamon spice and apples. She had loved that mug. Chloe had brought it over the first night before she started her job, grinning expectantly as Beca tore open the garish cat wrapping paper and pulled out a mug proclaiming her ‘World’s Best Boss’. Chloe looked a little disappointed as she had to explain the reference and she couldn’t help but proclaim that she loved it. That she couldn’t wait to take it to work on Monday. And then Chloe smiled again and everything was alright. It was funny how that smile could stop and start the world sometimes.

She loved that mug. She loved the way he swore under his breath and ignored the liquid that was running under his socks as he pulled her into a hug. He smelt like lemon grass and aftershave and she loved how he didn’t say a word, simply rubbing her back and guiding her out of the room and to their bedroom where it would be safe. Where they could simply lay together and pretend it didn’t happen until phone calls and plane tickets and packing would need to happen.

She hated that day.

* * *

He brought flowers back when he went to fetch them coffee. Her father surprisingly didn’t have any in the house and when Jesse volunteered to make a run to the grocery store she breathed a sigh of relief. She loved him but she needed to breathe and any excuse to get him out of that house was welcome.

Sheila was being far too kind, making them eggs and sniffling through Warren’s quavering memories of his ex-wife, all while letting the urn sit on her vintage coffee table. Beca knew that she was probably dying inside at the sight but didn’t let on and she respected her a little for it. She would never let Jesse step foot in their apartment with a jarful of a dead relative and especially not if this was someone that he had been married to for fifteen years. If anything Sheila had a great poker face and she needed to ask her for pointers when the lump finally left her throat long enough for her to mutter anything other than ‘Thank You’ when Sheila kept topping off her tumbler of Bourbon.

She escaped up to her bedroom exactly three minutes after he left the house. Her father had shaken his head and sighed when she rose to her feet but didn’t say a word. She hadn’t said much since she had come over that morning and he knew that she was thankful that he had taken the trip out to Portland in her place to recover the remains, but he knew better than to push her. Their relationship had never been particularly lovely after the divorce and for all he knew she probably was considering herself an orphan at this point. So he let her go, wrapping an arm around Sheila’s back and trying not to stare at the memory of a lifetime with someone he once loved. Someone who gave him his most treasured possession.

It had never really felt like her bedroom but it was nice to just lie down on the comfortable bed and stare up at the ceiling and escape. There would be no one there to rub her back or give her a gentle smile when the tears finally came and she was grateful. Her mother was gone and she was never coming back and she just needed to fucking think without feeling like she would break.

The tears came five minutes after he left. She was a timeline of falling apart.

She didn’t know how long it had been when he opened the door and stepped inside. All she knew was that her pillow case was soaked and covered with eyeliner and all she wanted to do was go home. She wanted to curl up in their cute little claw foot bath tub and get clean again before he would rescue her and return her to their bed. She knew that she wouldn’t get much sleep but that didn’t really matter anyway. She just wanted to feel comfortable in her skin again.

She wiped off her face while pulling her knees into her chest and resting her head on top. He shot her a small smile while closing the door behind him and taking a few steps closer. He looked terribly endearing with his too-long tie and scruffy beard and she wanted to simultaneously laugh at his dorkiness while burrowing into his arms and just staying there for a while. She was glad he came back. She would never admit it out loud but the simple act of just having him here was what she needed.

“I realized that I should have brought you flowers”, he whispered while smiling knowingly once she got his reference and rolled her eyes. “And held your hand.”

The bed shifted as he sunk onto the bed across from her and held out the bouquet of roses. They weren’t exactly mourning flowers and she was sure that he had simply picked out the first beautiful bunch that he found in the small grocery store, but they were still nice. They smelt good as she pressed them to her face and breathed in deeply. They were her mother’s favorite. She knew that he couldn’t have ever known that and she would never reveal it, wanting to keep the remaining secrets and memories of her mother to herself. It wasn’t selfish to hold on like that.

“I didn’t realize that I was dating Bruno Mars. I would have thought by now that you would have shared your cocaine with me.”

“I’m a man of surprises, my dear.” He combed his fingers through her hair even though he knew she hated to be touched like that and lingered on her cheekbones, smoothing away some of her smeared makeup before taking her hands in his. “And no cocaine for you, missy. We can’t have you wasting your talents that way.”

She laughed at how sincere he sounded. It wasn’t particularly funny but it broke up the tension that had seeped into her bones. He joined her a few moments later and played with his hands when her pearls of laughter eventually faded into choking sobs. She shielded her face from his concerned eyes but he didn’t move from her side, simply choosing to give her a little space as he released her hands and tried not to look at her. She didn’t want the kind of affection and care that he could give her and that was okay. He could change to be what she needed in that moment.

That was truly what love was.

* * *

Chloe showed up two days later. Beca wasn’t sure how she found out since she had turned her phone off the moment after Jesse made a Facebook message about it, but she assumed it was from that. She had begged him not to, not wanting the attention and the pity from their friends, but he wasn’t having it. He didn’t want her to have to make excuses for being absent from their parties and for not responding to their texts. He didn’t want her to have to explain her emotions away.

The funny thing was that she hadn’t felt anything in days.

Chloe had nearly toppled over when Beca opened her front door and if it wasn’t for her last second reaction to grab her shoulder there would have been a giant mess everywhere. As Chloe steadied herself and got a better grip on her bags, Beca looked down at them and blew the remaining air out of her lungs through her clenched teeth. She had at least five bags loaded up with Tupperware containers with various contents. It looked like she would be better suited to be delivering meals door-to-door instead of randomly showing up at her best friend’s house out of the blue but Beca honestly couldn’t be surprised. This was just who Chloe was – always taking care of people even if they didn’t need it.

“Are you going to keep eyeing me up or can I come in?”

Beca allowed herself to laugh as Chloe shot her a sly grin and nodded before reaching out to take two of the bags from her. Chloe breathed a sigh of relief as the pain in her arms lessened and Beca nudged the front door open with her sockless heel as she let her come into her home.

Chloe hadn’t made herself a stranger since they had moved in and once she had the bags settled on their kitchen table she quickly started to put everything in the refrigerator. Beca had always marveled at and loved how quickly she was able to make herself at home and simply settled on one of the bar stools at the counter and started to dig through one of the bags. And just like clockwork Beca’s stomach growled.

“I guess you haven’t been eating so it’s basically kismet that I popped over today.” Chloe slid a container of chocolate chip cookies across the table and smiled as Beca grabbed one and practically crammed it into her mouth. Baking was definitely one of Chloe’s talents and she hadn’t been able to do much lately without a houseful of hungry Bellas to eat all of her test cakes and experimental cookie combinations. But really, she was just happy to see Beca eating something. She had worried for days if she was okay and eating and sleeping, but Jesse had asked her to stay away and she had tried until she couldn’t take it anymore. And she was glad that she finally showed up. “Are they good?”

“The best”, Beca mumbled through her full mouth and Chloe just laughed while sliding a napkin across the table for her to clean up her crumbs. “I’m pretty sure you didn’t just wake up this morning and clear out your refrigerator for me though so this was pre-planned. That’s pretty much the exact opposite of kismet.”

“Don’t question my word choices, Beca Mitchell. I’m just glad that you like them. Have you even eaten anything since…Jesse’s post?”

Beca felt all of the heat in the room rush to her cheeks as Chloe tripped over her words and blinked back tears that suddenly filled her eyes. She hadn’t felt any kind of emotion or sadness in days and all it took was Chloe bringing it up to make the world feel like it was slipping underneath her feet again.

She hated to feel out of control. She didn’t say a word. Sometimes avoiding terrible things was all that you could do.

“Where’s Mr. Swanson at? I didn’t see his car down in the parking lot.” Chloe made the simple decision to change the subject and both of them were glad for it. Chloe would have loved to have an emotional conversation and to just hold her and let her know that it was okay, but that wasn’t what she needed and that was okay. She would be there for her if and when she needed her to be that person and for now, she’d just fill a different role. “And by the way, the next time you guys get an apartment I would appreciate if it had parking right out front. I had to lug all of this stuff a million miles just to get to your front door. Way to make me feel welcomed, Bec.”

“Oh, I’ll be sure to tell Jesse that your wishes need to go a little higher up on our list next time we’re apartment hunting. I think the proper order should be: Price, Location, Chloe not wanting to haul ass when she shows up uninvited, and the presence of mice and/or cockroaches. Work for you?”

“You’re such an ass.”

“Thank you, it’s my most valuable trait. And since you brought it up, I have no idea where Jesse is. He kinda left without telling me.” Chloe raised her eyebrows at her and Beca threw her hands up while shrugging. “Don’t give me that look, Beale. We may have had an argument over something stupid and he may have tried to make up to me and I may have told him to go to hell.”

“Beca!”

“What?! I’m sure he’s not there – the guy is practically a saint.” Chloe just shook her head as she started to reheat a small container of her famous buffalo chicken dip and Beca went to search her pantry for some tortilla chips. Their fight had been petty, revolving around something as dumb as misplaced headphones, and the less said about it the better. She had a habit of taking her anger out on others and she hadn’t been the nicest to him since she got the news so she honestly didn’t blame him for leaving. She just hoped that he would come back. “You’re in luck - I’ve got Tostitos and Fritos.”

“Whatever you want, Bec”, Chloe gasped while pulling the dip out of the microwave and burning her fingers on the scorching plastic container. She practically heaved it onto the island and shook her head in a way that reminded Beca of her father as she dipped a chip into the bowl and popped it into her mouth. It burnt her tongue and made her eyes water again but she didn’t mind. At least she was feeling something, even if it was from her own lack of impatience and gnawing hunger. “I like that I’ve known you for four years now and you still continue to burn yourself every time I make this stuff. I would imagine at this point that you would have grown out of this stage in your life but maybe I need to lower the bar just a smidge lower.”

“Go to hell, Beale”, Beca replied sarcastically from her mouthful of chips and the girl looked momentarily hurt before she got the reference and allowed herself to smile. She hated to laugh at the poor way that she had treated Jesse and to somehow act like it had been okay (which is definitely wasn’t) but she also could feel the tension growing around them and had to find some way to break it. She was sure that Beca hadn’t left the house in days from the pile of coffee cups in the sink and the way her hair lay in messy waves over her shoulders and if antagonizing her would help in any way then it would have to be momentarily okay. “You um…never mentioned what compelled you to just stop by with all of this stuff. I mean, I appreciate it and I’m totally going to destroy that pan of brownies as soon as you walk out that door, but you didn’t have to do this. I’m doing alright.”

“I know that, Beca. It’s just that my mom always said that when you don’t know what to say you should bring food. So…ta da!” She gestured at the now empty thermal bags and nodded to herself while counting to three as Beca gnawed at her lower lip and seemed to be fighting off her emotions. “It was the least I could do.”

“Thanks”, Beca mumbled while sinking back onto one of the barstools and looking down at her lap. She dug her thumbnail into an errant stain on her jeans and couldn’t help but feel like she had been letting herself slip. She hadn’t really cleaned up or changed her clothes since they had come home from her father’s and while it had been easier to become one with the mustiness that had settled over their lives, maybe it was time to actually start caring again. “I’m just so tired of this room and this apartment and fucking everything.”

“Then come outside with me and get some air. It’s beautiful out and I won’t take no for an answer.”

* * *

“I take back what I said before”, Chloe whispered as she leaned against the back railing with Beca and looked out at the view in front of them. “A better view should definitely make your list of priorities the next time you move.”

“You’re ruining a nice moment, Chlo.”

Chloe just laughed and slipped an arm around Beca’s back as the two caught their breaths for the first time since she had knocked on that door. She had been fighting an internal battle with herself since Jesse texted her and asked her not to come by for a little while. She knew that he wasn’t doing it to keep her to himself or to keep everyone else away, but it still hurt that she couldn’t be there for her best friend when she so very obviously wasn’t coping well. It wasn’t worth dwelling on it and beating herself up over it though because those days had passed and the only thing that mattered was now.

She was here. She was holding her. She could feel her heart beating and that was enough.

“I’ve never really lost anybody before.”

Chloe held her tighter and placed a soft kiss on the top of her head before humming a soft melody to herself. Beca relaxed a little in her arms and let her head dip back against her collarbone as the wind started to pick up a little around them. The temperature had managed to stay mild since the cold front that had brought a wave of change into her life and maybe this season would be bearable. The universe kinda owed her that.

“My grandfather died my freshman year of college.” Chloe closed her eyes as the memory of that day flooded back in and the guilt that accompanied it followed. It had been her first big mistake. “The Bellas had a tournament and instead of coming home when he was sick I went with them. My mom waited until we had finished to tell me and I cried the whole way home. I was so selfish and caught up in myself that I missed being there for him.”

“I didn’t…I’m sorry, Chloe.”

“The terrible thing was that I didn’t tell anyone – not even Aubrey. I just sat in the back of the bus and buried my face in my Bella’s jacket and cried for two hours. I can’t even remember what excuse I used when I disappeared for a few days to go home for the funeral.” She sighed a little into Beca’s hair and whispered “And the best part was that we didn’t even win the damn tournament.”

“Why didn’t you say anything to them? They would have understood, or at least Aubrey would have.” Chloe just shrugged a little and Beca reached for one of her hands, intertwining their fingers and keeping them busy as the sun started to finally creep down over the horizon. “Were you scared of them knowing? Sometimes…I don’t know, it just feels better to not talk.”

“I didn’t want to be a burden to them. I thought that telling them about my pain and the awful thing that had happened would make them feel some kind of responsibility for me. I didn’t want to bring down the mood or make them feel sad or like they had to fix me. I didn’t want anything to change.” She turned Beca around in her arms and rubbed her hands up and down the sleeves of her light jacket to warm her up a little as a chill started to set in. “But I was just a scared kid. I didn’t realize then that those stories that we keep inside are the important ones and that it’s not a burden to share them. If anything it makes you less alone.”

Beca just nodded and managed a small smile while bouncing on the heels of her sneakers to distract herself from the sadness that was creeping up on her again. It had hovered around her for days, occasionally settling in until she did something that sent it to hide in the corner of the room until she was vulnerable again, and she hated it. She hated the prickling feeling of unwanted tears and the ache in her throat that reminded her of running for too long.

She didn’t want to be having a moment like this on such a nice day. She wanted to wrap herself up in one of her favorite flannels and walk with her friend down to get coffee. She wanted Jesse to greet her at the front door with that doofy smile that she adored and to kiss her the whole way to their bedroom. She wanted to eat big bowls of pasta and drink until she passed out and to work and to love music again and to just fucking feel like herself.

She wanted her mom back. She never got to say goodbye. She wasn’t sure if she even knew how much she loved her.

“I know what you’re doing Chloe and I appreciate it, but I’m not ready to talk yet.” Chloe just nodded as she slipped her arm back around Beca’s waist and tugged the girl into her side. “One day I’ll have stories to tell you about all of this and about…about my mom but not right now.”

“You don’t need to say a word, B. I wasn’t expecting anything like that from you anyway. I told you my story because I’m able to tell it now and one day when you’re ready to tell yours, I’ll be here for you.” Beca nodded at her as a tear finally rebelled and crept down her cheek and Chloe swiped it away and softly said “Whenever you’re ready, buddy. Even if it’s a million years from now.”

“Even if we’re old ladies in the nursing home?”

“Even if I have a hearing aid and can’t understand what you’re saying. I’ll make sure that I nod my head at the appropriate times and hold your hand.”

Beca truly laughed for the first time in days and felt a tiny bit better as the warmth and the shake of her body filled her up just a little. She was sure that it would take hundreds of moments like that until she was completely full again, but this was a start.

“I know it doesn’t mean anything and that you’ve probably heard it so many times that it makes you sick, but I really am sorry Beca.”

“Thanks, Chloe. For everything.” She pulled her friend in for a hug and held her for a long time, not wanting to let go as the heat from Chloe’s body warmed her up and centered her as her chest heaved and everything ached. She wasn’t sure what stage of grief this was, where it came and went in waves and moments when she honestly felt alright and then the next second like she wanted to scream, but she knew that she hated it. That she wanted it to be over. That it had to run its course. “Do you wanna stay for dinner?”

“There’s no place I’d rather be in the world. And hey, check it out, it looks like Jesse’s home.” She motioned to the light that was shining through the sliding glass door of the dining room behind them and grinned at Beca as she visibly sighed in relief. She had honestly thought that she had maybe chased him away for good this time. “Everything’s going to be okay, Beca. I promise.”

And somehow, Beca let herself believe that. She always believed Chloe. She had a way of making everything seem like it would mend itself in time with a simple smile and the glint in her eye. It had been the one thing that Beca had always loved about her. Why she had been her favorite from the moment they met.

And maybe if she promised herself the same thing then it would come true. Maybe everything would work out.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter comes from Promise by Ben Howard


	2. Not the needle, nor the thread, the lost decree

She sprained her ankle her junior year of college and Chloe warned her over and over not to rush back. To take her time and deal with the crutches and let the other Bellas take up the extra slack. But she didn’t listen, refusing to be hobbled just a mere week before they went for another run at the national title. There was no way that she would sit on the sidelines while they went for a three-peat, which was something that her boyfriend and his gaggle of misfits had never accomplished, and she sat through one of Chloe’s frantic lectures in the wings of Lincoln Center as she taped her foot up with practically a whole roll of athletic tape and begged her not to risk it.

They won that night. She hit all of the dance moves and didn’t flinch once during her solos, even when the pain was scorching through her leg like a fire. She spent the next six weeks in a cast after the strain of performing caused a hairline fracture in her ankle. But that one night of glory and the beautiful trophy? Totally worth it.

She approached dealing with her mother’s death the same way. She took the three days that Residual Heat gave her, along with the tiny amount of vacation that she had managed to accrue since May, and tried her best to cry when she was alone and to remember the good times and to mostly just get her head back on her shoulders. And sure, she had also spent a few of those nights in a different room from Jesse because she couldn’t stop herself from being nasty towards him and had made dark and plodding mixes all night that would have made her teenage self flush with embarrassment, but she was coping.

It had happened. Nothing could change it or bring her back or stop the world from continuing on. So she kept on going with her head hung low and her emotions shoved in her back pocket where she had grown accustomed to keeping them her entire twenty-three years on Earth.

And then one day she broke.

* * *

She had been back at work for close to two weeks when her boss showed up with a big wrapped box and his hand extended to shake hers. He hadn’t made much of a habit out of speaking to her, only stopping by once after she returned to give his scripted condolences to her, but everyone had told her that it was a good sign. The less Jordan said the better and it was just proving that her work was starting to speak for itself. She had started to get bit roles on bigger projects and in one of the better evenings that she had spent with Jesse she had practically gushed over potentially getting to work on a few sessions with Drake.

He congratulated her as he gave her the package and she managed to smile back while looking down at the frame and the writing that was carefully shielded under the glass. She had known this was coming for a while now, having been asked the proper spelling of her name by Jordan’s secretary, but she had completely forgotten about it in the midst of everything else that had been going on in her life.

She had planned on giving this to her mom on Christmas, to show her that this had all been worth it and to thank her for always supporting her. For never giving up on her. For being the only one sometimes that didn’t believe that her dream was completely ridiculous.

She was sure that it would look nice on the wall in the hallway that led to their bedroom. She could ask Jesse to drive a nail into the plaster and to hang it up for her next to her diploma and her favorite picture of The Bellas from nationals her freshman year. It would look nice, not out of place among the other prizes of her short time on earth, and it would be something that she could always talk about.

She had just wanted to share it with her. She wanted to see the way her lips would curl into her famous grin and hear the pearls of laughter that would escape from her mouth. Her baby girl was actually a music producer now. She may not have had her name in lights, but even in that tiny script in the second to last line in the album credits she had made it. She had done _something_ with her life.

She locked the frame up in the top drawer of her desk and ran as fast as her legs could take her, desperate to just be anywhere else in the world.

* * *

“Beca, you know you can’t be here right? It’s eleven and I’m in the middle of a class and you’re **really** far away from your work.” Chloe spoke gently as they stood in the parking lot of her school and placed her hands on both sides of Beca’s head to squeeze her shoulders. The girl looked shaken and hadn’t even bothered to mess around with catching her at lunch on her cell phone, instead choosing to call the office of her elementary school and have her paged as an emergency. And as they stood outside, with Beca looking she was on the verge of freaking out and Chloe trying hard not to panic and make it worse, maybe it was an actual emergency. “What happened today?”

“It’s nothing important, I was just in the neighborhood and really wanted to see you. You should get back to work and I should actually like **go** back to my job before Jordan murders me. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Beca! You don’t have to leave.” Beca froze in her tracks as she started to make her way back to her car and slowly turned around to see her friend’s pale face and concerned eyes. She shouldn’t have interrupted Chloe’s day and pulled her away from her kids for something so stupid. She was such a child sometimes. “I’m not entirely convinced by your story and I think that something happened today that wasn’t good, but we can talk about that some other time. I’m not going to let you drive yourself back into the city though when you look as pale as you do.”

“I’m fine, Chloe”, Beca sighed while crossing her arms across her body and giving herself a little hug to get warm. _Of course, she had forgotten a coat_. “Really, I’ll be alright. I’m just gonna head over to my dad’s place and hang out with him for a little bit. Work can miss me for the day and it’ll be nice to catch up with him. We haven’t spoken since-”

“-Please just stop and come inside with me. You and I both know that you avoid conversations with your dad like the chicken pox. Now come on; I’m a music teacher and it would be kinda kickass to have an **actual** music producer in one of my classes. They’ll love you!”

* * *

“You guys, I want you to meet my best friend Beca.” Chloe opened the door to her classroom a little wider behind her and motioned for Beca to step into the room. The girl trudged into the room, fidgeting with the visitor’s badge that was clipped to one of her belt loops, and managed an awkward wave towards the group of children that were sitting in a circle watching her with interest. They each had a small, basic instrument sitting in front of them and with her pounding headache and the abysmal way that her day had gone so far, she immediately knew that this was a bad idea. Next time she had a life meltdown she was visiting Amy over at her radio station. There were fewer kids there. “Can we all say ‘Good Morning’ to Beca?”

Beca winced as at least fifteen kids yelled good morning back at her and tried not to smile as Chloe beamed at them. She looked positively in her element standing up there with these kids captivated by her presence. There was no better job for a person that loved like her and had so much patience and energy to give back. She had been an amazing captain when things had gone well for The Bellas and Beca knew that she would be even better at this. Some people were just a perfect fit.

“Beca is a real life music producer in Atlanta and she has the day off so she really wanted to see the kind of music that we work on. Maybe she can give us a few pointers on how to play our instruments better.” She looked pointedly at Beca and she made a show at nodding vigorously and sinking onto the chair that sat behind Chloe’s desk, getting as comfortable as she could manage and trying not to show these kids that she was freaked out at having an audience. “Who wants to tell Beca what song we were starting to learn today?” As a bunch of little hands shot up into the air Beca couldn’t stop herself from melting at how cute there were and starting to feel just a little bit better. She had never had siblings and didn’t care for kids all that much, but these guys were just past that annoying preschooler age and right in the middle of the age where learning anything fascinated them. “TJ?”

“Row row row your boat!”

“Exactly! Beca, do you know that one?” Beca nodded and Chloe motioned towards the piano in the middle of the room while she grabbed the guitar that was resting against her desk. Beca’s eyes widened as Chloe just grinned at her and she tried to shake her head but Chloe was having none of it. “Beca is going to join us on the piano and we’re going to run through it one time as a group and then work on it in teeny-tiny sections.”

“But Chloe, I haven’t played in a long-“

“-And I’m sure it’ll come right back to you. Now come on, let’s start from the top!”

* * *

“Someone looks happy”, Jesse commented as Beca walked through the front door and flung her coat onto the coat rack just inside of the door. She simply smiled at him and he stood up to pull her in for a quick hug. It had been days since she hadn’t shied away from a spontaneous touch like this and he wanted to enjoy the moment while it lasted because you never knew when her mood would shift. “What happened today? I got a call from your boss asking why you just disappeared this morning and I told him that you were having a bad day. Were you?”

“You could say that.” Beca didn’t elaborate any further and walked towards the kitchen, pulling a k-cup of chai tea out of the drawer underneath the Keurig and popping it into the machine by the time he entered the room and leaned against the doorjamb. He had been home long enough to change out of the dress shirt and tie that was required at his studio and had stripped down to his undershirt and boxer shorts. The sight of him with his tousled hair and the slight beard that he had started to grow made something funny and warm happen in her chest and she wanted to kiss him but she knew that he would only start asking her questions if she made that move. “I left work and went over to Chloe’s school and hung out with her kids for a little while. Apparently it could have been a big deal to just randomly have a stranger in the classroom but she explained my situation or whatever to her principal and he let me chill for a little while. You should have seen those kids though, they were so adorable and funny. You should come next time and teach them about movie scores.”

Jesse just shook his head as she pulled the freshly brewed tea from under the spout and poured a little milk in until the liquid was the color that she preferred. He slid the sugar across the counter to her and she scooped a little into the mug before taking a sip and nodding. He didn’t understand how she could just tell by sight that it would taste good, but he didn’t question her. To him, the stuff tasted like shoving your head into a big bowl of potpourri and he’d just let her enjoy it and suffer later when her mouth would taste like it when they kissed.

It wasn’t the worst tradeoff he could come up with.

“Ya know Bec, my work is only a few streets over from yours. If you ever need anything or if you’re having a bad time I’m just a jog away.” He stroked his fingers over her biceps and moved them to her forearms as she placed her mug on the counter and let him pull her a little closer to his body. He placed a tender kiss on her lips as she simply nodded at him and he softly whispered “I want to be the one that takes care of you.”

Beca didn’t know what to say. She didn’t need to be taken care of. She didn’t need to be hugged until her heart stopped pounding and coddled until the tears didn’t sting her eyes. And she loved him. She never pictured herself ever really falling in love with someone but she had and it was lovely but sometimes it was just too much. Sometimes they were just too different that she knew that it would never really last and she hated to think that way, especially when he was holding her like this, but it wasn’t like her mind hadn’t been constantly racing since her mom had passed. It was like living with the television on mute in the background and even though you couldn’t hear it you knew it was there.

She could feel him pressing against her thigh and she groaned a little as he hugged her tighter. It had been so long since they had done anything intimate and she knew that it had to be killing him to not bring it up. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to or that she hadn’t thought about it, it had just fallen to the wayside in favor of other more important things.

He deserved this. And maybe she did too. If anything though, it would stop this conversation from continuing into heavier and difficult to explain territory that she had no desire to get into tonight.

“Let’s get you to bed.”

* * *

It didn’t take much to send them toppling into the bed, taking off their clothes silently before he pulled the blanket up and over their bare bodies. They had turned the air conditioner off for the fall and the weather outside was doing them no favors as her body instantly started to sweat in the muggy room. She could feel the sheets sticking to her back and she clawed them away while he placed heavy kisses in a trail from her collarbone to her breasts.

“Don’t leave a hickey. I don’t want to have to explain this at work on Monday.”

He snickered into her ribs and as she kneed him playfully in the side he gently bit down on one of her nipples and okay. He could leave marks as long as no one could see them. It felt too good to let him stop.

“Can I…?” He trailed off while rolling her onto her back and positioning himself over her body. He was sweating and panting as he supported himself on one elbow and adjusted himself at her entrance. He didn’t want to push inside unless she was completely okay with it and it took a moment for her to nod languidly. Her eyes were hooded with arousal and her fingernails felt good as they dug into his back. He couldn’t stop himself from shooting her a tiny grin and he held her hand as he pushed inside of her and started to slowly thrust until she got comfortable.

“W-wait. I um…I can’t remember the last time I took my pill.  My mind has been all over the fucking place lately. Do you…?”

“Yeah, let me check in the bathroom.” He carefully pulled out of her and bit his lip as she moaned a little at the loss of sensation. He was embarrassingly hard and glad that the lights were out as he walked into their bathroom and started to dig through the cluttered drawers beneath the sink. He hadn’t really needed to have protection since she had started on the pill but he could have sworn that he had some stashed in here. He just needed to take his time and…they were expired. “Fuck.”

He splashed a little cold water on his face before coming back to the bedroom and finding her sitting up and staring towards the light. He simply shrugged as she caught his eye and sighed before shifting back onto the pillows beneath her. This day had gone from bad to horrible and it wasn’t even six o’clock yet.

“What are you doing?” She mumbled as he climbed back onto the bed and settled between her legs. “You don’t…”

“I want to take care of you.” His warm breath tickled her thighs and she squeezed them together while groaning a little. He chuckled to himself as he slowly pulled them apart and placed her knees on his shoulders while sliding into place. He could feel her clutching the sheets beneath them as his breath ghosted over her and he stroked her stomach tenderly with his free hand before surging forward and making contact with her clit.

They hadn’t done _this_ in a long time and as she started to grind against his face he told himself that they should **definitely** bring this back into the rotation. And sure, he was painfully turned on and this wasn’t doing much to help that, but sometimes it was just nice to know that she was enjoying herself. He could wait.

After a few moments though he could feel her shaking beneath him and as he pulled away to check on her he was surprised to see that she was laughing. He frowned and propped himself up on his elbows as she sat up and pulled her knees into her chest. Had he done something wrong?

“What’s wrong?” He asked while getting up onto his knees and placing a hand on her shoulder. She just shook her head as she tried to stop laughing and he started to look for his discarded boxers as he softly asked “Did I hurt you?”

“No, it’s just your beard. It was tickling me and I’m sorry I just couldn’t…”, she trailed off as he slowly nodded his head and stepped into his underwear, pulling them up and over his waist before letting the elastic snap back audibly. “Please don’t be mad, it just wasn’t going to happen for me.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m just glad I’m the only one that’s trying to take this whole relationship thing seriously around here.”

“Jesse!” She called after him as he shook his head and walked towards the door. “Where are you going?”

“I just need to be alone right now.”

* * *

“So…did he jerk off on your couch?” Chloe asked tentatively and held onto the railing beside her as Beca glared at her and smacked her shoulder. “ **I** sit on that couch, Beca Mitchell!”

“That’s really none of your business and no, I don’t think he did. I think he was too embarrassed by the whole thing to even think about doing that. I don’t even know why I told you this story.” Chloe just shrugged as they continued climbing the steps that were built into the rocks around them and Beca groaned at her non-committal response. “I’m never going to live this one down, am I? Just…please don’t tell anyone else. This is strictly best friends only territory.”

“I’m slightly offended that you’d think I’d run off and tell Aubrey and Stace about your little…mustache ride.”

“Another word and I’m going to throw you off of this mountain.” Chloe laughed at her weak threat and Beca joined her a moment later, letting their chuckles fill the wilderness around them before Chloe tugged her closer with a sly arm around her waist and a reassuring smile. “I can’t believe you managed to get me to go hiking with you. Although I probably would have done anything to get out of that apartment today.”

“I can be pretty convincing when I want to be and I’m glad to have your company. Now, shut up for a little bit and let’s just enjoy this view. I took you out here to get out of your head for a little while and to get there you kinda have to enjoy…all of this.” She gestured at the trees and the rocks and the waterfall that the steps crossed over and maybe it had been just what she needed in her life right now. She had never done anything like this before but she trusted Chloe enough to slip on some borrowed hiking boots and climb into a truck pointed northeast towards Amicalola Falls. “Silence is golden, my dear.”

* * *

Beca had never seen anything like this before. She had never been an outdoorsy kid growing up and her parents had never taken her hiking or camping or whatever else that normal families did. And if she would have known that she’d find clarity like this just staring into oblivion, she would have begged her father to take her.

This was beautiful. She could see nothing but trees and clouds and the waterfall beneath her and it was amazing. She felt simultaneously at peace with herself and strangely in tune with everything that was going on around her all at once. It wasn’t one of those moments that would change her life and turn her into a hippie, but she was finally able to breathe without everything weighing so heavily on her that she felt like she was going to break. Her mind was clear and everything hurt just a tiny bit less, which was exactly what she had needed.

Chloe always knew what she needed.

“Thank you for bringing me here”, Beca whispered before pulling her a little closer and leaning her head back to tap against Chloe’s chin. “How did you know that it would help?”

“Sometimes we need moments like this and incredible views to realize that we are not magnificent.”

“Wow. That was incredibly cheesy.” Chloe just giggled as she nudged Beca’s head forward and started to lead them back down the mountain trail. Beca had loved the view and could have stayed there all day, but everything had its season and it was time for them to move along. “Did you come up with that on your own?”

“Nope, you can thank Bon Iver. Now come on, we have eight million steps to go and then a long ass drive until we can find somewhere suitable to eat – your treat.” Beca just nodded while holding back her laughter and held onto the railing as they started to climb back down to reality. “And we also have to find a drug store before we get you back home.”

“Why do we have to stop at a drug store? Are you sick or something?”

“Nope, I’ve just gotta make sure you have some condoms before you end up knocked up and miserable. You can’t trust boys to do anything right, Beca.” Beca shoved her against the railing again, although this time was tinged with much more playfulness than before, and Chloe just shrugged while grabbing Beca’s shoulder to regain her balance. “It’s the truth and you know it. Boys are dumb.”

“And so are you if you keep this up. They’re gonna need the park rangers to find your body.”

Chloe laughed and softly said, “I’m just looking out for my best girl.”

“Well thank you for looking out for my sexual well-being then. It’s creepy but coming from a good place in your heart, I guess.” Chloe nodded as Beca bumped her hip against hers and mumbled “And Chlo? Thanks for all of this. This is the first time I’ve felt like myself since she died.”

“Anytime, Mitchell. Anytime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter comes from Holocene by Bon Iver.


	3. I'll carve a name in your bedpost to remind you of me

She never set out to fall in love. There were just some people that weren’t meant to find someone that they connected with on that level and she honestly thought that she would be one of those people. She had never imagined being in a relationship for three days yet alone just over three years. She didn’t picture herself sharing a bed and snuggling into someone else’s hoodie and talking about getting a dog.

And maybe that made it easier for her to destroy them.

She had never minded being single. She had always thought she was actually pretty good at it, finding comfort in a silent room and just going off the grid without having to check in with someone. She liked being able to do what she wanted whenever she wanted and to just be her own person. It was too much responsibility to live up to the idea and the expectations someone would create for you and she knew that she would always fall just a tiny bit short. But then Jesse broke down every barrier and idea that she ever had about what a relationship could be.

It wasn’t that she didn’t love him. It was that he loved her too much and in a different way than she did. It was too much to ask two people to grow at the same rate and while he had been off finding his path post-grad, she had been falling apart. And she couldn’t keep the act up any longer.

* * *

He didn’t question it at first, having read up on the stages of grief and chalking her distance up to her just being in mourning. He didn’t push her because she’d just lash out and he didn’t stay close because it was obvious that she didn’t want that either. And at some point, he realized that he was spending more time at home thinking of ways not to upset her than actually enjoying his evenings.

He started to work late. He went out with the guys and smoked cigars for the first time and even let women flirt with him once he had a beer or two. He knew it was wrong but the lack of affection at home was starting to eat at him and he had to feel _something_. The guys had shrugged it off, telling him that she was just giving him a spoiler for married life, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it. She didn’t hug him or sleep with him or even say much other than pleasantries. They still shared a bed but hadn’t made love since that embarrassing evening and he was sure that both of them would be more comfortable if he started to sleep on the pull-out couch but taking that step meant that he was giving up and he could never admit defeat.

He was in love with her but he wasn’t sure if she still felt the same way and that killed him every day. He wanted what his parents had and maybe he had made the mistake of starting to get comfortable and imagining it with her. It had started when they got the apartment and spent an afternoon in the city picking out towels that they liked and a new bed and really making it feel like a home. It had been his favorite day and he couldn’t stop thinking about the way her fingers lingered on the embroidered hand towels and how she had giggled while flopping onto the mattresses to find the perfect one.

He couldn’t believe that it had only been two months since that day. So many things had changed and remained the same and he wasn’t sure how long he could stay in this limbo. Eventually, one of them would fall down or give up and he didn’t know if there would be a rebound this time. And as he finished up the busy work that would keep him later at the office than necessary so he didn’t have to go home and looked through pictures of his friends and their happy relationships on Instagram he began to realize that maybe he didn’t want one. Maybe he deserved to be happy.

Maybe they would be better at loving each other apart.

* * *

“You’re quiet today”, Beca whispered while scratching his calves with her toes and smiling a little when he shifted from the tickling. He was sat on the other end of the couch, scrolling through his fantasy football roster on his laptop while she read one of the books that Chloe had leant her. The girl had insisted that reading would clear her mind and relax her and promised that she’d like this book because it was one of her favorite while pressing a worn copy of _The Night Circus_ into her hands. And so far she had been right as Beca had replaced mixing with reading and had realized that maybe taking her work home had been doing a number on her. “I’m pretty sure you haven’t smiled since you walked in the front door and you’re doing that weird thing you do where you’re like chewing your lip and trying not to look at me. Did I do something?”

Jesse replaced Odell Beckham with Antonio Brown for his starter that week and sighed before looking up at her and trying to smile. Part of him wanted to call her out for actually noticing that something about him was off, but he knew that it would only cause more harm than good and shook it off. It had been a stressful few days of work as they were reaching a hard deadline for a score and he didn’t need to be miserable at home as well.

“I’ve just got a lot on my mind. You, however, did nothing to cause it.” She nodded as he closed his laptop and reached for one of her hands, intertwining their fingers until she closed the book and let her other hand rest on top. They sat that way for a while, just staring at each other and not saying a word until Jesse’s phone chimed and he moved to look at the screen. Beca knew something was up by the way his brow tensed and she let go of his hands as he quickly tapped out a message and sighed again. He had been doing so much of that lately that she had been debating if he would be offended if she wore her noise canceling headphones when they shared a room together. No one could be **that** frustrated all the time. “My mom asked me a couple days ago if we were going to come home for Thanksgiving and I guess she needs an answer soon so she knows how many pies to order.”

“And this is the first time that you’re bringing it up?”

“I just didn’t know if that was something you wanted to do after…everything that’s happened. I can understand if you don’t want to be around family on a holiday and I’m perfectly fine with just making something here. We wouldn’t even have to do turkey if you don’t want to.” She pressed her fingers into her temples like she was fighting off a headache and he knew that he had screwed up. Again. “What? I was just looking out for you, Beca.”

“By keeping me from things that could potentially make me sad?” She asked incredulously while standing up and taking a few steps away from him. She knew that he meant well, but she didn’t have time for this kind of shit. “That’s not looking out for me, Jesse. You’re sheltering me and acting possessive and I don’t need that. We’ve been dating for three years and I’ve gone home with you for Thanksgiving every single year. What would make you think that I wouldn’t want to do that this year?”

“Well, Beca, your mom died and I didn’t think that surrounding you with my parents and family would be the best thing. Forgive me for trying to be considerate.” His words hung in the air and he wanted to snatch them down and take them back as she hung her head and shook her head. When she managed to raise it again and he saw that she was smirking rather than crying he took it back. Maybe it was time to be honest. Maybe it was time to just let it all out. “I didn’t mean to sound so harsh.”

“No, don’t apologize. At least you’re actually saying something instead of hiding out in the office or at work. Please continue.”

“I’m not going to do this with you tonight”, Jesse mumbled while standing up and walking over to the coat closet to look for his fall jacket. It was getting late and he was planning on taking a very long walk that would be no fun if he froze to death. Although, if he allowed himself to be dramatic, that would have probably been a better fate then coming back here. “I’m not going to say stuff that I’ll regret later just to fight with you. That may be how your parents taught you that a relationship was supposed to work, but I don’t play those games. I’ll be back later.”

“Where are you going?” Beca followed after him as he walked towards the door, rushing and pulling his coat on as he moved. He wasn’t wasting any time to get away from her and she felt some kind of weird satisfaction at having pissed him off this much. “You have to give your mother an answer, Jesse. It’s not right to leave her hanging because we’re having a fight.”

“We’ll talk about this later.”

“Jesse-“

He slammed the door behind him. She stumbled back a little as the sound reverberated through the small foyer. Her pulse was up and her hands were shaking and she didn’t want _this_ to end. She was feeling emotion and passion for him for the first time in days and it ached that he had chosen to walk away. She was worth fighting with. It was okay to say those terrible things.

“God damn it.”

* * *

They didn’t talk for three days. Jesse used to find the silence of an argument to be unbearable, but he honestly didn’t mind it this time. He threw himself into his work and finished the project with his team and genuinely felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders as he stepped out of work on Friday. He had even left a little early and as he sat in traffic he considered the possibility of maybe trying to make this work with her. His head was clear and most of his stress would be gone until a new deadline came up and now that he was able to think straight he knew that he had been a jerk to her.

And even if she deserved it, after taking her emotions and anger out on him more often than not, he hated that he had done it. He had to make it right.

He stepped into their apartment and kept his dress shirt and slacks on while digging through his closet for a nice blazer and tie. He didn’t usually dress up like this, but he had made reservations at one of the nicer restaurants in town and he wanted to try to make this a nice evening for both of them. It had been a long time since they had gone on an actual date and it would be nice to just get out and forget everything that had been going on between them at home. To actually make an effort instead of falling back on their set in stone relationship. To try to be a little bit better today than they were yesterday.

“I called my mom on the drive home and told her that we’ll both be home for Thanksgiving”, he announced as he popped his head into the bathroom where Beca had just stepped out of the shower. He smiled a little as she gasped and fumbled for her towel and he gazed at her bare body for a few seconds before snatching his from the hook on the door and handing it to her. “Don’t get too comfortable either since I’m taking you out tonight. We haven’t been out to dinner in a long time and I thought it’d be nice to just go out. Wear something nice!”

* * *

She looked great in that dress. She rarely wore them, having always felt more comfortable in jeans and sneakers than dresses and heels, but even she could admit that she looked good. The cut was low and accentuated her breasts, but also hid enough to not make her feel slutty. She had picked it out with Stacie before their trip to Copenhagen, having needed a dress to go out dancing in after begrudgingly promising them all that she would, and the girl had amazing taste.

It felt good to pretend to be someone else and to dress up. No one in that restaurant knew a thing about either of them or of the terrible things that they had been lobbing at each other for weeks and it was almost like getting to roleplay having a new start. They could drink terribly expensive wine and eat with fancy silverware and pretend like everything was okay. And if she gazed into his eyes long enough it almost felt like being in love again.

She didn’t protest as he took her hand and led her onto the dancefloor. They hadn’t gone dancing since they had been juniors in college and were the only couple on the floor as the music swelled around them. His moves were theatrical as he swayed with her and dipped her and she knew that they were being watched. That some housewife was jealous of the way that she looked. That a couple on the verge of divorce were watching the way he held her and remembering how it used to be for them when it worked.

It lit a fire in her stomach, letting her hold him tighter and kiss him with more passion and to hope to herself that the night would never end. It felt like she was in a dress rehearsal for her life and that once they went home the magic would be over. It would be time for the real thing and it would never, ever be like this. There had been too many painful words and memories shared for this flame to reignite their love again.

He would hold onto this night forever. He thought they were okay. He should have known better.

He still loved her.

* * *

“Did you come?” He asked her as he pulled out, carefully removing the condom and throwing it into the garbage can next to their bed before straddling her body again. Her pupils were blown and her hair was sticking to her sweaty forehead and he couldn’t stop looking at her. She could still manage to take his breath away. “I don’t think you did.”

He let his fingers drift down her abdomen and slide through coarse curls before slipping between her folds. She squeezed her eyes shut as she softly moaned and he grinned against her collarbone as he was proven right. He kissed her cheekbones and her eyes and finally let his mouth cover hers as he slipped two fingers inside of her while letting his thumb languidly stroke her clit.

He swallowed her moans as he moved inside her and it didn’t take long until her hips were moving, riding his fingers as he massaged her breasts. It reminded him of the way they used to do this, his mouth covering hers in tiny dorm room beds while he fingered her before their roommates would inevitably return. They had made love and fucked and countless things in between, but he had always loved the intimacy of feeling her as he brought her to orgasm. He enjoyed having to work to get her there and he loved when she would tell him what she needed and then take it from him.

“J-Jesse…” He pulled his lips away from hers as he tipped her over the edge with a curl of his fingers that were inside of her and gazed down at her as she moaned and clenched her thighs and rode it out while coming on his fingers.

This would usually be the moment when he would remove his fingers and wipe them on the sheets between them. When they had gotten more comfortable with each other and couldn’t keep their hands off of each other, he had been so bold as to bring them to his lips and clean them that way. She would grin while kissing him and make jokes about feeling like a lesbian when she could taste herself on his lips.

He didn’t want to pull them out. Once he rolled off of her and stared up at the ceiling while she escaped to the bathroom to clean herself up the moment would be ruined. He knew that the night had been a façade and that this intimacy was just the aftershocks of feeling passion for the first time in forever.

She didn’t push him away. She curled into his body, groaning a little at how good his fingers still felt when she was this sensitive, and pressed her lips into his shoulder. He smelt like aftershave and her shampoo and she wanted to remember this. How safe she felt. How mesmerized she had been staring up at him while he moved inside of her. How full she had been.

She didn’t want it to end but she knew it would have to. Nothing could ever last forever.

“I love you.”

He didn’t respond. She squeezed his arm as he sniffled into her hair. The act was over.

* * *

She awoke to an empty bed the next morning. She reached for her discarded clothing next to the bed and slid into her panties before padding off to the bathroom to finally clean herself up. She wiped the mascara from her eyes as she stared in the mirror and eyed up the marks he had left on her chest. And then she pulled on clothes and left that space and those moments behind her.

She didn’t feel a thing.

* * *

“We can’t _not_ talk about this anymore, Jesse.” Beca whispered as she shook her head at the breakfast he held out to her. She couldn’t believe that he was content to let this charade continue on for another day. He would be happy to eat breakfast in silence and then ignore each other because nothing would have to change. He would still have her and they would still be a couple and he could continue to try to love her. But she just…couldn’t. Not any longer. Not after the flickers that had left them last night. “I can’t do this with you anymore.”

“I know you can’t, Beca. That’s not something new to me since you’ve been pushing me away for weeks.” He wasn’t angry or sad or bitter as he spoke to her. If anything he was just resigned to it all. And far too tired to fight. “I turned down a job out in Los Angeles after my internship ended. It was with an amazing studio and the money was great, but I said no. I came back here for you. I stayed here for us.”

“You don’t get to say that right now. You don’t get to put this on me!” Her hands were shaking and she was almost glad for his words. She was _so_ angry and it would be easy now to say what they both needed to hear. “I never asked you to come back and I didn’t need you to stay. You should know that out of everybody in your life, **I’d** be the one person to tell you to take that job. No love is worth giving up on an opportunity like that. I would have rather seen you successful and building a career than having you here in love with me.”

“Well, that’s where we’ll always disagree because I wouldn’t change a thing. I chose you and I’d choose you every single time. “

“Even now? Even after all of the things that have happened between us and the things that I’ve said to you?” She shook her head as he simply nodded and sunk onto the couch as she tried to keep herself centered. She couldn’t back out now, even when he looked so sad and so lovely in the early morning light. “I can promise you that if we toughed this out and tried to make it work that you would always love me more than I could love you. I don’t work the same way that you do and I can’t love like you. There’s a flaw in my system.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Beca. I fell in love with you knowing that and it never stopped me from completely losing myself in you.” He reached out for her hand and she squeezed her eyes shut while letting him take it. It felt strange to touch him now but it would feel even worse to pull away and ignore him. “I am still in love with you. I can…step back for a while and let you sort out everything that is going on with you. I could move out and move on until you’re ready.”

“Jesse…what do you want me to say? Tell me and maybe, fuck, maybe I can try to make this easy for you.”

“I don’t want to give up on us. We’ve put so much into this relationship and into this life that we’ve built together that I can’t understand how you can be so quick to just throw it away after a bad spell.” He ran his hands through his sleep-tousled hair and stood up again, suddenly feeling the need to keep his body moving as everything slowly fell apart. “Tell me that you still love me. Let me know that you don’t want to just give us up. I’ll do…anything that you need me to do.”

“I need you to let me go, Jesse. And I need you to listen to me when I tell you that I’m not in love with you anymore.” She watched his face shatter as she whispered the words to him and blinked back her own tears as she continued on, unable to turn back now. “I love you and I will probably always love you, but I’m not in love. I haven’t…been honest with myself for a while and now I have to be. And you have to let me go now. It’s not fair to carry this out any longer.”

“No, I um, I understand. You’ve made your point loud and clear for me. I’ll start packing my stuff.”

“You don’t have to leave this minute-“

“-You can’t have it both ways, Beca! We can’t eat breakfast together and slip back into being friends after what you just said to me. I can’t let you break my heart and then give me the consolation prize of being my best friend again. I’m not…I deserve more than that.” He slid the contents of his plate into the garbage can before rinsing it off and placing it into the sink. She watched as he gripped the sink board with his hands and took a few quavering breaths before taking a step back and collecting himself. He wouldn’t cry in front of her and that made her lose it, finally allowing the tears to slip from her eyes and fall down her cheeks.

He ran his hands through his hair and buttoned an errant button on his dress shirt before tucking it back into his pants. He could go back to work for a while until she was fit to leave the apartment and he could clean out his stuff in peace. Benji would help him out and let him sleep on his couch and he would be alright. He wouldn’t fall apart over this. It would be okay.

He was fooling himself.

“Congratulations on finally getting what you’ve been trying to accomplish for years.”

She had never wanted to be in love. She had never wanted to break his heart. She didn’t want him to go and she didn’t want him to stay.

And she wasn’t okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this one comes from A Seat At The Table by J. Tillman


	4. You won't go, you're not a runner

She missed everything about him. She missed watching him shave in the morning with her sleep blurry eyes and the way that he would hum to himself while brushing his teeth. She missed his presence in their bed and having to fight him for blankets and being able to snuggle against his back to warm up. She missed his smile and his laugh and most of all she just missed…well, she just missed him.

At first, she thought that she just wasn’t used to being alone. It was harder to prepare meals just for herself or to watch Shark Tank without having someone next to her to snark with. It had stung a little to change her relationship status on Facebook in the middle of the night so no one would notice and it had ached when she did her first load of laundry alone and found his favorite t-shirt amongst her pajamas and underwear. She almost made arrangements with Benji to meet him over lunch so he could take the shirt back to Jesse but her heart stopped her from sending the text and instead, she slipped it on and wore it for the rest of the night.

It didn’t smell like him anymore, but it was just nice to have a piece of him with her. But she couldn’t be sad or wounded. She had chosen this and now she had to live with it.

* * *

It took her approximately four days until she decided that the best cure for her empty home would be to drain a bottle of Jack Daniels. It wasn’t even her drink of choice, but it reminded her of him and he had left it there and that made it hers. It really wasn’t fun to drink by yourself without someone there to cheer you on as you pounded shots, but she got over that quickly as her head swam and everything felt a little bit brighter and warmer. And as she sunk onto the couch to stop the world from spinning she regretted not saving the bottle for Thanksgiving. It was only a few days away and what would be more pathetic than eating Chinese and watching The Peanuts special by yourself?

Maybe crashing on your couch and drunk dialing your ex-boyfriend.

“Beca?” Jesse’s voice was heavy with sleep and Beca winced when she looked at the clock and realized that it was a little after two in the morning. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

She could imagine him sitting up in his bed and wiping the sleep out of his eyes while peering down at his phone. He was probably impossibly angry with her but she knew him well and she knew that he would do anything for her. He was such a good guy. She couldn’t believe that she had managed to convince him to love her for so long.

“I’m sorry it’s so late. I’m just drunk and I miss your voice.”

“How much have you had to drink?” He sighed a little and she could hear his bed squeaking as he laid back down. “I always used to take your phone away from you whenever you would drink. You’re an awful drunk texter.”

“Just the rest of your bottle of Jack. I’ll buy you another one.”

“It’s okay, Beca. I didn’t like it that much anyway.” He paused for a few moments and then softly said “Maybe you should go to bed and forget that this happened. Have some water before you go to bed so you don’t have a headache in the morning.”

“It’s just so quiet here.”

He didn’t say anything for a long time and she only knew that he was still there from his shallow breaths ringing in her ears. She could have hung up at any time and she knew that he could too and it felt nice to know that he was holding on for her. She missed him and she loved him and she just wanted him back. She wanted her friend and her confidante and her old life back.

“I’m **so** sorry, Jesse. I was awful to you and you didn’t deserve it and I’m just so fucked up.”

“Beca…you can’t call me like this. Not any more or not until I’m not so angry with you or just…I can’t do this with you. I told you that I can’t just slip back into being your friend and I meant that so I have to go. Benji is sleeping and I don’t wanna wake him up. Just promise me that you’ll drink some water, okay?”

“I promise”, she whispered as her eyes brimmed with tears and her voice nearly quavered. She wasn’t sure what she had wanted to accomplish by calling him, but him pushing her away was definitely not it. It ached in her chest and sobered her up and made her want to scream and punch something all at once. “Goodnight, Jess.”

“Good night, Beca.”

* * *

“Happy Thanksgiving!”

Beca sat up in horror as her front door swung open and Chloe stepped into her apartment with her arms full of bags. Again. It was really becoming a tradition that she was not minding at all as her stomach rumbled a little.

“What are you doing here?” Beca asked while taking the biggest bag from her and grinning as the scent of turkey wafted up into her nose. She had no idea what she was going to do for dinner and whatever she would have eventually found to eat would be no match for this. “I thought you were having dinner over at your Aunt and Uncle’s house?”

“Well…I was and then I remembered that you were just gonna hang out here and that made my mind up pretty easily.” She placed the rest of her bags on the table and started to take things out while Beca unwrapped the saran wrap from the turkey. “I’ve got a turkey and dressing, mashed potatoes, and some corn. The pies are still frozen so I thought we could heat them up a little later while we watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Sound good?”

“It sounds amazing. Thank you so much for doing this, Chloe. You really didn’t have to choose me over your family.”

“Oh puh-lease!” Chloe exclaimed while turning on the oven so they could reheat the turkey evenly. “Picking between my homophobic Uncle Steve and best friend? That was no choice. Now grab some plates while I try to get this beast warm again.”

* * *

“Peppermint Patty is such an asshole. Why are any of them even friends with her?”

“Who knows?” Chloe questioned through her turkey induced stupor as she moved her pumpkin pie around on her plate and broke it into smaller pieces. She was so stuffed that she didn’t feel like moving and she was sure that it would be a battle in the morning to find jeans that would accommodate her food baby but it had been well worth it. “You’re a little asshole and I still keep you around because you have lovable moments.”

Beca just laughed as Chloe finally gave up on her dessert and placed it on the coffee table in front of them. She hadn’t imagined her holiday being anywhere close to this and it was just nice to not be so alone anymore. And she was sure that it would ache in the morning all over again when she woke up to an empty bed and silent apartment, but she couldn’t bring herself to wallow in that now. Chloe would pick up on it and question her and just make her feel even worse than she already did.

“Thanks…I guess?” It was Chloe’s turn to laugh now and Beca leaned a little more heavily into her body as the movie played on. She loved the way that her laughter filled the room and made her feel warm and at home all at once. That had always been her favorite thing about sharing a home with The Bellas. Chloe’s laugh could fill the entire house, from the basement to the attic, and Beca used to love to just curl up under her blankets and listen to her on lazy mornings. It had been the closest thing to home that she had after moving out of her mom’s place and those days had slipped by so quickly that her four years had gone by in a flash. “I keep you around because it’s nice to have someone that picks on me like all the time.”

“That’s a lie, Beca Mitchell. You keep me around because of my delicious food and it’s okay to admit to it – we’re all friends here.”

“Fine, you’ve uncovered my secret. I have a food boner for you.” Chloe laughed as Beca just shook her head and reached for the remote, finally having enough of Charlie Brown and his terrible life. “I just tried so hard to hide it.”

“It’s okay, I understand.” Chloe slung her arm over Beca’s shoulders as the girl finally settled on an old episode of Lockup and relaxed as a heavily tattooed prisoner told them tales of his life of crime. She didn’t understand how Beca found stuff like this interesting, but she just kept her opinion to herself and tried to stay awake. She knew that Beca needed her even if she would never admit it out loud and if it meant sitting through awful TV then she would do it. No one should spend Thanksgiving alone. “Can I tell you another secret? You have to promise not to tell anyone though.”

“Of course. I’m an amazing secret keeper – I learned from Fat Amy.”

“Wow, you must be good then. Probably the second best in Tasmania by now.” Beca bit her lip to hold back her smile and simply nodded smugly while muting the TV so Chloe could talk. There was something about secrets and quiet that went well together. “Jesse told me about your little drunk dialing episode the other night.”

“What…?” Beca trailed off while tears filled her eyes. It hurt that he had gone behind her back and told something so embarrassing to her best friend. And the worst thing of all was that he was still chummy with Chloe when he wanted nothing to do with her. Chloe was _her_ friend and if they were taking back all of their things and moving on then he couldn’t keep her in his life too. “You still talk to him?”

“No, Beca, of course not. He still had my number in his phone and I guess he thought that someone should make sure that you were okay since he couldn’t.” She reached for Beca’s hand and squeezed it a little before gently moving her face so she could look into her eyes. “I would **never** betray you like that. He was just worried and honestly I was too.”

“Is that the reason why you came over here tonight?”

“I’m here because I want to be here. You’re supposed to spend the holidays with the people that you care about and I love you so it was a no-brainer.” She took the remote back from Beca and turned the television back on, switching it back to Charlie Brown before snuggling into Beca’s side and getting cozy. “Now come on, make fun of Marcie with me.”

Beca begrudgingly nodded and reached for the blanket that was tossed over the back of her reclining chair. She tucked Chloe in and then draped the rest over herself as she curled her knees into her body and tried to get comfortable. It felt different laying on this couch with someone that she wasn’t sleeping with, but still good. She was lucky to have her there and grateful to not be alone on Thanksgiving. She couldn’t imagine how this holiday would have turned out if she had been alone. It had always been her mom’s favorite.

“Will you stay the night?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

* * *

“Beca asked me to move in with her.”

The words were rushed and whispered as they left her mouth and as Aubrey sighed heavily into her end of the phone Chloe knew that she had picked the wrong confidante to call. She knew that Aubrey would be honest with her and she hated her for it. Sometimes it was nice to have someone that would sugar coat the truth, even if that didn’t make them the best kind of friend.

“Do you honestly think that’s a good idea?” Aubrey asked while closing her schedule book and letting the tip of her pen make its way into her mouth. She really needed to find a better way to take out her stress, having chewed up a whole box of pens during nights spent working on making her camp run smoothly, but old habits were hard to break. “Especially considering…”

“Considering what?”

“The tiny fact that you’ve been in love with her from practically the moment you met her.” It was Chloe’s turn to sigh now and Aubrey frowned to herself while turning off her desk lamp and making her way to the living room. She had always imagined herself living in a little cabin like this away from all of the world’s distractions and the camp’s location had made it very possible for her to live her nomadic dreams. Still, though, it would be nice to be able to see Chloe’s face and to hold her hand during a conversation like this. “And also the fact that she’s single for the first time in years and that seeing her date someone else would kill you.”

“I hate the idea of her being in that apartment all by herself. You know what it’s like to lose a parent and closing yourself off to everything isn’t the way to deal with it.” Chloe took a sip of her hot chocolate and looked up at the TV, grimacing as the host on HSN showed off a purse in a bold pattern and considering briefly if she should pick that up for Amy for Christmas. “And you also know that I would never do anything that would hurt her.”

“Telling her how you feel isn’t something that would hurt her, Chloe.”

“I just don’t want to lose her. I’ve thought about it too many times and each time ends with her freaking out and pushing me away. I can’t risk it.” Aubrey nodded to herself as she started to brew a cup of coffee and didn’t venture a response to that. She knew all too well what falling for a friend could feel like and it never ended well. It had been part of the reason why she had moved to North Carolina after graduation. But that was a lifetime ago and she was over it, except on nights like this. “I just don’t know what to do half the time.”

“You can’t save everyone, bug. And I know you want to swoop in and make everything better, but it doesn’t work like that.” She looked up at the old family photo that she had framed on her wall and smiled wanly at the memory of her father. He had been a hardass and controlling and probably went to the grave disappointed in her, but she missed him every day. Love didn’t go away when someone died and she would carry that with her for the rest of her life. “You’re doing enough for her right now. And I think you know what the right thing to do is.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Chloe sounded so sad that it made Aubrey want to pack up her things and drive through the night to get to her. It was childish to think like that though and she had a boyfriend that would question it and a business that would fall apart if she even left for a few hours. It was a hard but rewarding life and it made having friends difficult, but not impossible. She just had to do her tough love and cheerleading from afar.

“You know, Chlo, she’s the lucky one here. You go out of your way to make everyone around you feel loved and there are so few people like that in this world that it’s really not fair. Please don’t beat yourself up over this.” She could hear Chloe sniffle softly on her end and squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to not fall victim to her own emotions and to say something stupid. “She loves you and I **know** that she would never leave you out of her life. Okay? Please don’t cry over the little alt girl or I may have to come back out there and kill her.”

“Okay, I’ll stop if it’ll spare you a lifetime in prison.” Aubrey laughed for the first time since they started their emergency phone call and Chloe smiled while getting comfortable on her couch. She hated to live alone and the thought of being under the same roof as Beca made her feel impossibly happy, but sometimes the head knew more than the heart and she couldn’t do that all over again. It hurt too much. “Enough about me, I wanna hear about your camp and that boyfriend of yours! When are you gonna bring him down here so I can finally meet him?”

* * *

Chloe wanted to believe in Aubrey’s words. In the idea that nothing would change unless she let it and that all she had to do was love Beca and it would be okay. But reality was different than the stuff of her dreams and slowly, as the season wore on and Christmas rapidly approached, Beca pushed her away.

She had refused to go Christmas shopping with her or to be her date to Stacie’s Ugly Sweater Party. They didn’t go see lights at Stone Mountain Christmas like they had promised to do or make Christmas cookies for Chloe’s students. And even when Chloe told her how the kids couldn’t stop talking about her and invited her to come over one day to make a gingerbread house with them she still managed to say no.

After a while, it got so disheartening to keep hearing no that Chloe stopped trying. And she hated to have to play that card to get Beca in her life again, but after two days of no contact, Beca realized that something was up and made the first move. And that was how Chloe found herself crammed onto the couch with Beca and her new roommate Pepper, a mutt that she had adopted from the animal shelter when she realized that none of her friends were dying to move into her tiny little apartment with the garbage view.

“I missed you, ya know?” Beca whispered in between bites of the ice cream they were sharing straight out of the container. “And I’m sorry if I’ve been distant lately. It’s just been…the holidays suck. I can’t turn on the TV without seeing a million Christmas commercials and it’s a lot to think about.”

Chloe simply nodded as the movie came back on and patted Pepper’s head, trying to distract herself from the words that wanted to slip from her mouth. She wanted to be upset with Beca for pushing her away and angry with herself for crawling back to her like a puppy, but it was better to just keep those things to herself.

“Can I ask you a question that you’ll promise to answer truthfully?” Chloe nodded at Beca’s whispered words and the girl put her spoon back in the container as she softly said “Why didn’t you show up after my mom died? I thought that you’d be here as soon as you could with flowers and food and that face but…you didn’t. It just seemed really odd to me that you waited so long.”

“I wanted to be there”, Chloe began while tapping her fingers aimlessly on the back of Beca’s hand and trying to choose her words carefully as to not give the game away. “So fucking bad, actually. But Jesse asked me to give you some space to grieve for a few days and I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries. I’m sorry if it hurt you or made you feel like I didn’t care.”

“I can’t believe he did that. He had no right to-“

“-Beca, he **loved** you. And he only did that because he wanted you to be okay. That’s all any of us want.” She pulled Beca a little closer to her and ignored the melting container of Ben  & Jerry’s in her lap as hot tears dripped down her friend’s cheeks and plopped onto her hand. “You can be as distant as much as you want and try to hide out here and deal with this alone, but I’m not going anywhere. Do you understand?”

Beca simply nodded as she wiped the tears off of her face and Chloe opened her arms up the whole way to embrace her. Pepper ran off to her bed in the corner of the room and the movie played on while the ice cream made a mess on the carpet but Beca didn’t move an inch from those arms. It felt nice to be held again for the first time in a long time and she didn’t want it to end.

“You can’t push away everyone that could possibly love you, B.”

_You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch._

“I’m not”, Beca replied while burying her face into Chloe’s shoulder and trying to calm herself down. “You’re still here.”

“I don’t go away easily. You’ll never get rid of me, Bec.”

* * *

Chloe awoke to Beca crying and it scared the hell out of her. She had never seen the girl _really_ cry before and as Pepper paced in an anxious circle in front of them, Chloe pulled herself out of her winter induced stupor and quickly sat up with shaking hands. She was sobbing so hard that Chloe was sure that she would make herself sick if she continued and she stroked her back gently as she kissed the top of her head. Her mom had always done this when she was a kid and had a nightmare and it was the only thing she knew to do.

“I’m here, Beca. I’m not going anywhere.”

Beca whimpered as Chloe pulled her into her arms and let her cry it out. They sat there for what felt like an eternity but eventually it passed like all things tended to do and her sobs turned into soft hiccups as she gradually calmed herself down. Once she was sure that she would be okay and wouldn’t break down again, she slowly pulled away from Chloe and got her bearings as everything kinda spun around her. Chloe’s eyes were teary and she looked shaken and she hated how her shirt was soaked with her tears. She had made a point of never crying in front of her friends and all it took was some stupid dream to turn her into this mess.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Chloe whispered while wiping her eyes and pulling the discarded blanket back over their bodies. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“It wasn’t a nightmare.” Her throat was aching and her voice was hoarse but she knew she had to keep going or she’d never say it. “I dreamt about my mom and I woke up and the stupid TV was still on and it just hit me. I’m going to be alone this Christmas.”

“You’re not going to be alone, buddy. You have your dad and the girls that are still in town and we’ll Skype. It’ll be okay.”

“No, it won’t, Chloe. My whole life growing up Christmas was a custody battle every year. They would fight for weeks leading up to the day and I’d be the one that was forced to make the decision. Do you know what it’s like to tell your mom that she’ll be alone on Christmas day because you’ve spent the last three years with her?” Chloe shook her head as Beca wiped new tears from her cheeks and tried to stop her hands from shaking. “It fucking sucked. And now…I’m stuck with him. He’s my only choice and I **hate** him.”

“Beca, you don’t hate-“

“-You don’t get to tell me how I feel!” Chloe shook as her words vibrated through the living room and she wanted to leave and hold her at the same time. “Please just…I’m sorry. I don’t know how to do this without pushing people away and being awful and I want you to stay. Please don’t leave.”

“I’m not leaving you, okay? And I will tell you that as many times as you need to hear it. We will figure this out and you will be okay. I’m gonna get you through this Christmas.”

Beca just nodded as her eyes swam with tears and she tried her hardest to blink them away. She knew that she was tripping out Pepper and scaring Chloe and she just had to get a grip on herself. She was too old for this.

“Come home with me for Christmas. My parent’s downsized to their new place in Florida since they retired and I was just gonna hang out at my sister’s apartment in Orlando. She’s totally cool and she’d love to have you.”

“Chloe you don’t have to do this.”

“I want to do this. Besides, it’ll be a big Florida adventure. We may even see a gator.” Beca managed to laugh as Chloe joked with her and suddenly it didn’t feel like the world was falling apart. She wanted to say no and to wallow in her own misery, but Chloe had her figured out and filled her up and even if it felt selfish to do it, maybe saying yes was the right decision. “Please say yes.”

“Yes. I’ll have Christmas with The Beales this year.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter comes from Forest Fires by Axel Florvent


	5. Try to make a fire burn again

She had dreaded this day coming. Ever since she got that phone call she knew that she would have to face this day eventually. And it was here. And it hurt and she hated it. But she wasn’t alone and that made it bearable.

She loved that Chloe wanted to drive to Orlando instead of flying. She was a little short on cash after buying gifts for everyone and coupled with paying the entire rent and utilities for her apartment it was a little harder to just drop a ton of money on a very short flight. Plus, she had never really had a road trip and six hours seemed like the perfect amount of driving to partake in before she’d get irritated and want to go back home.

Chloe drove and she navigated and pointed out the perfect places to stop for snacks and it was kind of a blast. She had found a ‘songs to sing in the car’ playlist on Spotify and they managed to weave their way from Adele to Tenacious D all while winding down the relatively easy drive south. Plus, she had only managed to get them lost once and it had led to a breakfast stop at a Waffle House, so really it had been for the best that Google maps sucked.

She also loved the fact that they went to Chloe’s sister’s apartment first and put off the parental visit until later. She had to prepare herself for being around someone else’s mother and Chloe’s sister, Mandy, was very nice. She wasn’t surprised, considering who she was related to, but most people wouldn’t be completely cool with a stranger sharing their apartment on the biggest holiday of the year. She didn’t even mind that she’d have to share a bed with Chloe because it was king sized and a lot bigger than the full that she had wedged into her tiny bedroom.

And sure, she knew that harder things would be coming, but as Mandy passed out shots of watermelon vodka and allowed Beca to commandeer her sound system for an impromptu dance party she felt like she could take on the world.

* * *

“You must be Beca!” A clear and ringing voice announced as it entered the room and Beca turned to see Chloe’s unmistakable mother. Chloe had clearly inherited her looks from her mother and they even sounded alike and it made something burn deep in her gut that felt like envy but was mostly love. This woman had raised her favorite person in the world and she had to be good. “I’m Jennifer. It’s so nice to meet you.”

Beca shook her outstretched hand and quickly felt the breath leave her body as the woman pulled her in for a tight hug. _That_ was another thing that Chloe inherited from her mother and she should have known before getting too comfortable. And as Jennifer squeezed her to death she spotted Chloe grinning at her from across the room and everything felt better. Some things would never change.

“We have heard so much about you. Chloe would come home from college and practically never stop talking about you.” Beca grinned as Chloe suddenly looked mortified and busied herself with stirring the big bowl of punch that had just been put out. And if Beca knew her well enough, she was probably spiking it too. “It has been one heck of a year for you, hasn’t it?”

And Beca knew that she had been found out. That Chloe had probably debriefed them prior to telling them that there would be another bright shining face at the Christmas festivities and to maybe not ask about her family this year. There was a sympathetic glint in her eyes as Jennifer rubbed her arm gently, but it didn’t bug her as much as it had in the weeks leading up to this. And she knew that Chloe had only been trying to make things easy for her and that they meant well and that honestly…there was no easy way around something like this. And it was okay. She didn’t have to freak out or run because it was safe.

“Yeah, it’s kinda been a doozy. From graduating and going the whole way across the world to having Christmas with all of you in Florida. Hopefully, next year will be a little less wild.” Jennifer smiled at her knowingly and Beca softly added “Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it and it’s nice to be around a family for the holidays.”

“And thank you for coming. I **cannot** wait to hear about this music producer job you have.” Beca’s eyes widened as the woman guided her over to the couch and practically forced her to sit down right next to her. Apparently being handsy ran in the Beale family as well. “I can’t believe that we’re having dinner with someone that is famous!”

“Oh, Mrs. Beale, I’m not famous or-“

“-Tell me about Snoop Dogg!”

* * *

“You okay?”

Chloe looked up from her position on the back deck and smiled at Beca before motioning for her to come out as well. It was a relatively chilly night by Florida standards and Chloe was kinda wishing for a jacket or even just her shoes to warm her up a little. Beca sunk onto the step next to her and offered her a freshly opened beer, which she gratefully took and took a generous sip of. Her family drove her crazy and her mind had been going in circles since her mother had almost exposed her, which had sent her careening outside once things had quieted down in the house.

“Ya know, I kinda thought that it would be me that would be the one sitting alone outside with a beer. Isn’t it dangerous to do this kinda thing down here?” Chloe just shrugged as she sipped a little more from her beer and Beca slung an arm around her back as she softly said “Maybe I just have a wild imagination and there _aren’t_ alligators just crawling through everyone’s backyard.”

“No, they’re out there - they’ve just been waiting for you to show up. Watch your toes.”

Beca just shook her head while subconsciously curling them in and opening her own bottle of beer. The rest of Chloe’s huge family had managed to arrive by now and while Beca usually enjoyed being in a crowd because it gave her anonymity, it was different when everyone else knew each other. Plus, she had some kind of sense that something was up with Chloe and when she spotted her rushing towards the back door she knew to give her a few minutes alone before intruding on her safe space.

“Do you wanna talk about it? My family drives me crazy too.”

“It’s just my mom, ya know? She doesn’t really have a filter.” Beca nodded knowingly as Chloe stared off into the distance again and stayed quiet for a little while. She didn’t know what exactly Jennifer had said that had made Chloe retreat into herself and she also knew that it probably wasn’t her place to ask about it so they just stayed quiet for a time. “Are you regretting coming down here with me? I should have warned you first that my parents love to throw a giant holiday party. It can be a little overwhelming.”

“Well just a tad, but I’m actually having a good time.” She squeezed Chloe’s hand as she finally managed to look at her again and added “They’re nice. You have a really cool family.”

“Yeah, I guess they can be pretty okay-“

“-Hey girls! I’ve been looking all over for you two.” Jennifer’s head suddenly appeared through the sliding glass door and Beca nearly fell off of her perch as Chloe abruptly dropped her hand and turned around. “Come on inside. I have a gift for both of you.”

* * *

Chloe sat down next to Beca at the table in the empty dining room and offered her some of the fresh nacho cheese dip her mother had just put out. The girl grinned while dipping a tortilla chip into the gooey liquid and raising it to her lips, burning her tongue but loving it all the same. She was so stuffed that she had no idea how she could eat another bite but it was so good that she couldn’t help herself.

“How do you like your sweater? That was another tradition that I probably should have warned you about.”

Beca grimaced down at the gaudy green sweater that Jennifer had picked out for her and just shrugged before she said “It could be worse – it could be as ugly as yours.”

Chloe smacked her arm gently before grinning down at her mauve sweater and smoothing it down a little. It was huge and garish and clashed terribly with her hair, but her mother thought it was hysterical and made a tradition out of blowing her money on something that would only be worn once.

“I take that as a badge of honor, Beca. And guess what?” Beca shrugged and Chloe softly said “You’ve been giving a Beale family holiday sweater so that practically makes you one of us now. There’s no escaping our grip now!”

“Ya know, I kinda feel like Harry Potter now. Which makes you…Ron. You even have red hair so it’s perfect.”

Chloe just shook her head while running her tongue over her teeth and trying not to laugh to spurn her friend on any further. And yeah, it was _kinda_ like Harry Potter, but she didn’t want to be Ron. She wanted to be Hermione because she was totes hot.

“I’m glad you’re having a good time at my expense, Beca Mitchell.” She narrowed her eyes at her and as Beca laughed loudly Chloe couldn’t stop herself from joining her too. She usually hated coming to these things and would hide out in her room when she actually **had** a bedroom, but things had changed and along with that change came new beginnings and traditions. And she kinda hoped that having a friend here would be something that she could have every year. It made things easier. Beca made her better. “What are you looking at?”

Beca grinned at her while pointing up at the ceiling and Chloe froze when she saw a piece of mistletoe hanging from a string. Her mother had done this every year and of course, she had to get stuck underneath of it with the worst person possible.

“Jesus, I’m sorry ‘bout that. My mom practically has this place booby-trapped with that stuff. She’s some kind of hopeless romantic-“

And just like that Beca surged forward and kissed her. It all happened so suddenly that the wind was knocked out of Chloe and her eyes widened as she desperately took a few breaths through her nose and tried not to pull away. It wasn’t as romantic as she had always imagined it would be and it didn’t last that long either, but it sent shivers down her spine and she waited a moment to open her eyes once Beca pulled away, wanting to remember how it felt for just a tiny bit longer.

“I couldn’t resist once I caught you under the mistletoe.”

Chloe took a few deep breaths while nodding her head in agreement and trying not to catch her eye. She knew that to Beca the moment was just a fleeting, fun thing to do but to her it was everything. She had waited so long for it to come that it slowly dawned on her that it wasn’t serious and it wasn’t romantic and everything stopped.

She needed to get out of here. She had to run.

“Chloe…?”

“I need a drink.”

* * *

“We really have got to stop running from each other”, Beca announced as she stepped into the guest bedroom at Mandy’s apartment and saw Chloe sitting on the bed with her face in her hands. “What is going on with you? I kissed you and then you didn’t speak for me the rest of the night. Do you know how awkward it is to meet your Aunt Beth and learn about all fifteen of her cats by myself? I know more about Siamese cats now than I’ve ever wanted to in my entire life and it’s all your fault.”

“Stop trying to make me laugh, Mitchell.”

“Is this because I kissed you?” Beca sunk onto her knees in front of Chloe and pulled her hands away from her face, holding them while frowning at the mascara trails that decorated her cheeks. “It was just a thing that people do when there’s mistletoe. It doesn’t have to be…I wasn’t serious.”

Chloe’s lower lip trembled at her words and she couldn’t stop herself from shakily standing and running her hands through her hair to get it away from her face. She had drunk entirely too much at the party and everything was slightly off-kilter, but she was sober enough to know what she was saying and that it had to be said. She couldn’t keep it inside any longer. It was just making her sick and angry and upset and she had to confess or she’d just lose it.

“Beca, are you blind?” Beca furrowed her brow while taking Chloe’s vacated position on the bed and didn’t know how to respond to that, simply blinking her eyes vacantly as Chloe paced. “Everyone has apparently seen this for years except you. Do you remember the whole ‘bhloe’ thing?”

“From that awful retreat with Aubrey?”

“Yeah, you thought that it was just some stupid thing that Amy made up on the spot but it wasn’t. That’s what everyone called us behind our backs. I found this out from Emily two weeks into her moving into the house when she asked me if we were dating.” Realization dawned on Beca and she slowly nodded her head while worrying her bottom lip and nervously tapping her foot against the carpeted floor beneath her. “And I told her no because we weren’t. You were with Jesse and I was alone and I…I wanted…”

“You wanted to be with me.”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Chloe’s eyes were filled with tears and impossibly red as she shook her head quickly and wanted desperately to rewind and take it back. Because Beca wasn’t looking at her. She was studying the floor and playing with her fingers and not saying a single word. “I didn’t know how to say it so I never did.”

“For um, for how long?” Chloe looked away from her and Beca softly said “Chloe…”

“From the moment you stepped into auditions and did your thing with the cup. It was like this big ‘fuck you’ to Aubrey that I could never do on my own and I dunno I just felt something for you. But you always had Jesse and I didn’t want to get in the way of that, especially with something like this because you were with a guy.” Chloe looked down at her feet and mumbled “I never meant to act on it or for something like this to happen tonight.”

Beca didn’t say anything for a long time and Chloe grew more and more anxious as the minutes wore on. This was pretty much exactly how she had always imagined it happening, except with far less yelling and more anxiety weighing down on her chest and making it harder to keep up her impression of someone who was **not** freaking out.

“You’re not saying anything.”

“I’m just kinda trying to wrap my head around all of this. It’s a lot to swallow when you find out that your best friend has had a _thing_ for you the entire time that you’ve known them. It’s just like…is that why you stayed friends with me?”

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that right now!” Chloe started to pace again and ran her hand over her eyes, unable to stop her tears from starting back up again. “I never once let that get in the way of our friendship. You’re my best friend. I love you, I’d do anything for you! You’re the one person in this world that I can trust and tell anything to but apparently not something like this because you’re-“

Beca cut her off again with another kiss and as she pushed Chloe onto the guest bed with a thump that could probably be heard in Mandy’s (and probably in the apartments above and below them as well) room, Chloe realized that none of her daydreams about this had ever ended this way. And that maybe, just maybe, it’d be okay.

* * *

Beca had never been with a woman before. And they fumbled and rushed and bumped heads, but it never felt awkward to her. She trusted Chloe and maybe that made all the difference in the world. And sure, it was bizarre to be staring down at your best friend who wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing and if she thought about it for long than a few seconds she’d have to stop and pinch herself, but it somehow came naturally to her.

She knew that Chloe had been with women before, her sex life never being a secret when she’d parade boys and girls through the living room at the Bella’s house before leading them up to her room, so she was a little surprised when she let her lead the way. She let Beca unzip her dress and remove her panties and make the decision to not turn off the light so she could see everything that she was doing. And Beca was thankful for it because it made her conscious of how she touched her and where her eyes wandered. It made her touches lighter and her fingers linger just slightly longer than she would if she was doing this to herself and she felt centered as Chloe parted her legs and gripped her wrist and let her enter her with a moan.

Chloe was so wet that if Mandy was awake in the room next door there would be no way that she wouldn’t know what was happening. And for some reason that only turned Beca on more as she slid two fingers inside of her and started to work them in and out slowly as she built a rhythm. It wasn’t all that much different from what Jesse would do to her and while he was the furthest thought in her mind at the moment, she sent him a silent thank you as she moved her thumb up to nudge Chloe’s clit all while managing to keep her pace steady.

She wanted to be different though, as she placed open mouthed kissed on Chloe’s throat and collarbone before settling on her breasts. She didn’t care if anyone saw them and she knew that once Chloe wasn’t so enthralled in the build up to her orgasm she would be embarrassed, but for now, she chose to be reckless. She whispered soft sentiments that would usually make her blush and kissed her until her lips were aching. She allowed herself to be as open as she could as she straddled Chloe’s leg and began to rub herself against her thigh. And the bed was making an ungodly racket and her kisses weren’t even covering half of the sounds that were escaping Chloe’s mouth but it didn’t matter. It was too good to stop.

“Tell me when you’re going to come.”

Chloe groaned as the dirty word escaped Beca’s lips and nodded quickly while squeezing her eyes shut and furrowing her brow. She had never thought that Beca would kiss her, yet alone be touching her like this in her sister’s apartment of all places, but she couldn’t stop. She had to keep taking. She knew it was a mistake. That they could never go back from this. That it would work if it was anyone else but Beca, but she had always fallen for the runners and she couldn’t go back now.

“Oh fuck”, Chloe groaned while squeezing Beca’s wrist and momentarily stopping her thrusts which just made everything so much worst. “Beca…I’m-I’m coming. Oh shit.”

She had seen this in a movie once and had always wondered what it would be like as she crawled off of Chloe’s body and quickly spread her legs. She had never had the guts to bring it up to Jesse, even though she knew that he probably would have done it without hesitation, but she didn’t feel embarrassed now as she got onto her chest and scooted closer. Chloe’s hands flew to her eyes as Beca surged forward and it was over in a matter of seconds as her tongue connected with her clit and matched the rhythm that she had already established with her fingers.

Chloe couldn’t breathe, seeing stars as Beca simultaneously surprised and brought her off at once. All she knew was that her hips were jerking and her head was swimming and she was groaning so loud that her sister was going to murder her in the morning.

But it was so worth it.

* * *

“Did you have fun last night?” Mandy announced as Chloe stepped into the kitchen with sleep-heavy eyes and a neck that she was desperately trying to cover up with the collar of her good dress shirt. They were supposed to be at morning mass in an hour and she hoped to God that her big sister had good concealer or her mother would actually kill her. “I’m **pretty** sure that I’m going to get a noise complaint with my next rent bill. Rosa, my friend in the apartment directly above us, has a seven-year-old daughter. Guess what she asked her about this morning?”

“Oh fuck.”

Mandy passed her a cup of black coffee and Chloe didn’t even bother to add sugar or creamer to it as she took a long sip. Mandy’s words were full of sarcasm and Chloe knew that she wasn’t seriously angry with her, but it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. It was supposed to be in a romantic place with no one else around…not when she was tipsy and Beca was still mourning and probably regretting every move that she had made and Christ…

She had slept with her best friend.

“Good morning, sunshine!” Mandy announced as Beca snuck out of the room with her suitcase tucked under her shoulder. “Do you want some…?”

“Beca, where are you going? It’s Christmas, you can’t-“

“-I have to go home, Chloe. I’ve been up since four thinking about this and I took advantage of you and I can’t stay here.” Chloe’s face fell as Beca made a move towards the door and Mandy took the coffee from her hands as she rushed to follow after her. “Please Chloe, just let me go.”

* * *

“Beca, please stop and talk to me for five minutes. Jesus Christ, would you stop?!” Beca dropped her suitcase in the middle of the parking lot and turned, wiping sweat off of her brow and pushing her bangs out of her face as Chloe frowned at her. “Where are you going? You’re in the middle of Florida and it’s Christmas day. Please just come inside with me and have breakfast and I’ll go get you a hotel room. It’s the least I could do.”

“I shouldn’t have come down here with you. It was wrong of me to intrude on you and your family like this. My dad is on his way, he shouldn’t be that far by now.”

“So, this is it right? You’re just going to run away and forget everything that we just did. Are you going to delete my name from your phone and never speak to me again?”

“Chloe, you know that I wouldn’t-“

“-Don’t say that to me right now, Beca Mitchell.” She shook her head as Beca moved to pick up her discarded suitcase, and softly said “You’re not giving me any reason to **not** think that that’s exactly what you’re going to do.”

“I don’t know how to do this right now. I can’t face your sister and your parents and mostly…and mostly you. I’ve been taking so much from you for so long and this was just, it shouldn’t have happened.” She hated the way that Chloe was looking at her right now and she had to focus on the ground below her to make it hurt a little less. She hated that she had to lie about how it had felt and that she couldn’t go back inside with her, but if she wanted to save any bit of what they had between them then she needed to leave. “I’m sorry.”

And just like clockwork Beca’s father pulled into the parking lot of the complex. Sheila wasn’t in the seat next to him and Beca knew that it was going to be an impossibly long drive back to Atlanta. She had ruined Christmas for everyone and this time she couldn’t blame her antics on her mother and her grief. She had managed this one all on her own.

“If you feel even one bit of what I feel for you, you won’t get in that car and drive away.”

“I have to go, it’s for the best Chloe.” She started to walk away and through her aching lungs she managed a soft “I’ll see you back home.”

“Beca! Do you even…say **something** to me other than that. I’ll let you go but at least let me know that it wasn’t just some mistake. Please don’t let it be a mistake.”

She didn’t say a word. If she would have then she would have stayed and that couldn’t happen. She had to go. She needed to get away.

This was what happened when you got close to people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this one comes from Try To Make A Fire Burn Again by Dawn Landes


	6. I See The Light (Shining On Me)

Chloe didn’t come home for days. The biggest perk of being a teacher was the ample amount of time off and she decided to take advantage of it. She was originally going to come back home and plan her lessons for the next month and spend time with her friends, but what really was the point? If anything this year had taught her that nothing was permanent and she had her family still so she decided to just enjoy being there with them.

She confessed to her mother what had happened after opening Christmas presents over at their home and just let her hold her as she rubbed her back and told her that everything okay. That girls were just as stupid as boys and that she hadn’t deserved to have Beca run away from her. And that while her heart was hurting now, she hadn’t done anything wrong.

And for the first time in a long time, Chloe let herself believe in what her mother was saying. It hadn’t been a mistake. Beca had wanted it too. It had felt amazing and had been everything she had been expecting and that was enough. If they were meant to find each other again then that would be amazing, but if they didn’t there wasn’t anything she could do about it.

She put Beca in the furthest reaches of her mind and simply enjoyed having some time to herself. She treated herself to Harry Potter’s amazing world and drank butterbeer with her favorite nephew while decking herself out in far too much Hufflepuff garb. She went to the beach and got tan and drank too much and cried even more and felt free. She laughed with her sisters and spent time with her much older brother and his little kids and immersed herself in this gift that she had been given.

She was lucky to have a family, especially during the holidays, and if she didn’t learn to appreciate that then she wasn’t really as grown up as she imagined herself to be.

* * *

Beca didn’t fare so well. She felt guilty and awful for running away and like she had turned into the person that she had been fighting against becoming all of her life. Her father didn’t say much to her on the drive home and she didn’t explain herself either, but she knew that he had some idea that something had gone down between her and Chloe and that it was probably for the best that he didn’t bring it up.

He just wordlessly shuffled her into his home and sat her down at the dinner table and let Sheila fill her up with ham and wine. They had presents and she slept in her childhood bed because doing anything else would just make her realize how terribly alone she actually was.

Chloe had been right. She pushed away everyone that could possibly love her and while she was still struggling to wrap her head around what _exactly_ her feelings for her best friend consisted of, she loved her. What she had did was wrong and she knew that even if Chloe forgave her that she would never be able to live it down. She should have stayed. She should have had an awkward breakfast with Mandy and an even worse dinner with her parents and then a conversation that they probably should have had for years.

She had known that Chloe had feelings for her, it was too obvious for her to ever ignore. But she had been selfish and kept it to herself, relishing in the fact that two people just wanted to have the opportunity to love her. She had never imagined anyone caring for her on that level and she knew that it was killing Chloe and leading her on, but she didn’t know how to choose between the two without hurting one of them.

And maybe it was never her choice. Maybe it was fate or happenstance or just her growing up and into the people and experiences that she needed to have.

* * *

“I can’t believe you waited until we broke up to get a dog. That’s kinda rude, Becs.” Beca tried not to smile and break apart all at once as Jesse stood in her foyer. He looked different from the last time that she had seen him, probably older and worse for wear, but still as handsome as ever. “Can I come in?”

Beca nodded and stepped to the side, waving him into her messy living room. She had kinda been letting things go since coming back from her eventful Florida trip and she was embarrassed to welcome him into her home. If he was bothered by the clutter or the piles of clothing that littered the floor he didn’t let on and wordlessly lifted his legs to climb over her junk before sinking onto the sofa. He sighed heavily as he sunk into the comfy couch and remembered how happy he had been when they had found this one. It had been perfect. They had been perfect and beautiful but that didn’t last forever and he was just thankful for the time that they had enjoyed together.

He had grown up.

“I’m sure you’re wondering what I’m doing here, and I’m kinda wondering the same thing, but I wanted to see you before I left.”

“Where are you going?” Beca asked tentatively while patting the spot between them for Pepper to join them. Jesse’s face lit up as the dog covered his face in sloppy kisses and he petted her until she was sated and ran back off to her bed. She had only ever wanted to be loved and that was why Beca had chosen her. She had been the loneliest looking dog in the shelter and they kinda fit together. It had been love at first sniff. “You look good, by the way. The beard is a good look. It makes you look older.”

“Well, thank you. I’m going to take that as a compliment. And I’m going back to Los Angeles.” He bit his bottom lip as Beca digested his news and as a small smile broke out on her face he knew that she would be okay. That she had only ever wanted him to live up to his potential and to do amazing things and that she still loved him. And that they could do this whole friends thing again because really, wasn’t love the most important thing? “I called the company that I did my internship with, told them about the stuff I’ve been doing at my job out here, and basically groveled my way into a gig. I start in two weeks.”

“I’m so happy for you, Jesse. If anyone deserves this kinda thing, it’s you.” She looked down at his hand and softly said “This is the part where I would hug you and tell you that I’d miss you. Are we…allowed to do that?”

“I think I can compromise for that.”

He grinned and pulled her into his arms and suddenly it was like nothing had changed. It was just like they were back in her dorm room freshman year when they were just starting to get to know each other and nothing mattered more than a stupid conversation about their random likes. Except this time instead of being fascinated by what they called soft drinks or their favorite types of music, there was the anticipation of getting to know each other when they were older and different and finally grown up. It would be just like starting over again and maybe that’s what they had needed. Sometimes all you had to do was simply restart and she was lucky to have that opportunity. And he was too.

“I just wanted to have the opportunity to say goodbye to you and to also give you my new cell phone number and e-mail address. I figured that since I’m _kinda_ grown up now that it was time to start paying for my own things, so I changed it.” He handed her a small slip of paper and smiled gently down at the dog as he softly said “I talked to Chloe before I had my line shut off. Well, she called me but that doesn’t really matter.”

“What did she say to you?”

“Probably more than she should have, but I think she was just upset and everything kinda came rushing out all at once. My suspicions were finally proven correct though – we had both fallen in love with the same woman.” Beca’s face fell as she picked at a stray piece of fuzz on her hoodie and didn’t quite know what to say to him. He didn’t look angry with her, but there was no easy way to tell your ex-boyfriend that you had slept with their female friend. “Beca, I’m not angry. If anything, I’m glad that it was her. She knows how to love you the way that you need to be loved and that was something I could never wrap my head around. Maybe I was too stubborn to change or set in my ways, but she’s pretty amazing that way.”

“Yeah, she’s…the best. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” She shook her head as frustrated tears filled her eyes and she could feel the words tumbling out of her mouth before she could even straighten them out in her head. “What am I going to do, Jesse? I slept with her and abandoned her with her family and a giant mess to deal with. I used her for so much and then I just let her go. How do I even talk to her again and look her in the eye after doing something like that?”

“She loves you, B. She wouldn’t have called me if she wasn’t worried about you and trying to find a way to reach out to you again. And I think that’s the only sign that you need that it’ll be okay. You came back to each other and you continue to do that in different ways. Call it cosmic or fate or soul mates or whatever, but you guys work.” Beca slowly nodded at him and he shook his head as he tried not to smile. For someone that could be so creative and talented, she could also be really slow to realize the right things that she needed to do for herself. And he was too good of a friend to let her screw this one up. “You call her, Beca. She’s back in town and she wants to see you so…invite her over.”

“And what if it doesn’t work out?”

“Then at least you tried and that’s all that you can ask for. That’s something you can be proud of. Now, walk me to my car.” He stood up and wrapped his arm around her back when she joined him on the stroll down to his car. And as he opened the driver’s door and gave her one last hug, he realized just how much he had gained from swallowing his pride and answering Chloe’s phone call. “I’m really going to miss you, Ms. Mitchell.”

“I’m going to miss you as well, Mr. Swanson. Have a safe flight and call me as soon as you land.”

* * *

“I missed you so fucking much.”

Chloe nearly toppled over as Beca entered her apartment and wrapped her up in a surprise hug. She hadn’t warned her that she was coming over or that she had even talked to Jesse, but it didn’t matter. She was here and that was the first step.

She welcomed Beca into her apartment and led her over to the couch. Beca sat down with a sigh of relief and handed Chloe a big wrapped box with a giant bow on top. It was then that she realized that she had never had the opportunity to give Beca her Christmas gift and excused herself for a moment to grab it from her bedroom.

“It’s not anything huge, but I hope you like it.” She handed the small box to Beca and held her breath as she tore off the wrapping paper and opened up the velvet case. Inside was a silver ring with a few small jewels in the band. It looked familiar to Beca, but as she slid it onto her right ring finger she couldn’t place it. Her mother had a ring like this, but it had always been too small for her. “Do you like it?”

“I um…my mom used to have one like this.”

“I know, it’s hers.” Beca looked stunned and swallowed heavily as she ran her fingers over each jewel. They weren’t diamonds or anything like that, but it had been the first nice gift that her father had ever given her mother and she had cherished it even after the divorce. She had always told Beca that she kept it because it reminded her of the first time that she had ever truly felt loved and that something like that could never be a bad memory. “Your dad brought it back with the ashes and approached me before Christmas with the idea to get it resized. You’re lucky that you’re a heavy sleeper or it would never have gotten made.”

“I love it. It’s…thank you for doing this for me and for helping him get it made.” Chloe simply nodded as Beca nodded towards her gift and let her fingers linger on the nice wrapping paper before starting to tear into it.

“Beca…this is too much. I can’t accept this.”

Chloe couldn’t stop her tears from escaping from her eyes and splashing onto the glass frame in her lap. She ran her fingers over Beca’s tiny name in the credits and felt her heart absolutely swell. She had finally made it. And it made her so overwhelmed with pride and happiness that she didn’t know what to do sometimes. She had just wanted her to be her very best.

“I was going to give it to my mom for Christmas, but I can’t do that anymore for obvious reasons.” She smiled wanly while reaching over to take Chloe’s hand in hers and softly said “So I figured that I should give it to the one person that loves me the most. And I’m pretty sure that that’s you.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right.” She kissed the back of Beca’s hand and was surprised, but not shocked when Beca closed the space between them and gave her a short kiss on her lips. It wasn’t long or terribly romantic like in the movies, but after their eventful beginning, it was just right. “Thank you for this. It’s my favorite gift.”

Beca just nodded and took the frame from Chloe, placing it on the coffee table in front of her and leaning into her side as time simply slipped away. She didn’t need to apologize for what she had done because Chloe understood and forgave her with tiny kisses on the top of her head and soft caresses to her side. But there was more that Beca needed to say and if she didn’t say it then it would just be another secret between them that would be kept for years. And maybe this year it was time to be honest.

“The only time I ever really like myself is when I’m playing music. Like…when I’m spending all night working on something for an artist or when I’m just making mixes on my own. It’s like I slip on my headphones and get lost in my head and become this person that I can stand for longer than two minutes.” She nibbled at the corner of one of her nails, chipping the old black nail polish away before she softly added “And forget about loving myself. It would take a lot more than music to ever get me there.”

“Oh, Beca…”

“It’s just that I’ve never been able to say it to anyone. I can’t remember the last time I said it to my dad and I’m pretty sure that my mom died without having heard that from me since I was a fucking teenager. And I feel it, ya know? It’s just that…”

“Whenever you try to say the words they just don’t feel right?” Chloe offered as Beca slowly nodded her head in agreement. “Beca, it’s okay. They know that you love them. You’re their daughter and that’s the way it is with kids.”

“I love **you**. When I’m around you I can forget about what an idiot I am and how I can’t say the things that I want to say without tripping over my tongue. Or how I ramble when I’m nervous or how I…push everyone away. You make me forget how much I hate myself. And I love you for it, so god damn much.” Chloe gave her a watery smile and Beca softly added “And I’m so sorry for what I did to you. You have to believe me.”

“I do believe you and I’m glad that you came over. I’ve missed having you around and for what it’s worth, I don’t think that there is anything to hate about you.” She offered her hand to Beca and motioned with her head out to the back deck. “Come on. Let’s go get some air and just calm down for a little. Besides, the stars are just starting to come out and I _adore_ being kissed under them.”

* * *

“So…what exactly are we now?” Chloe asked while sipping from her wine glass and staring up at the stars with Beca. They had been out there for God knows how long and were pretty lucky that it had been such a beautiful and warm day. “I mean, you’ve kissed me more time than a friend usually does and don’t even get me started on that sex. I couldn’t look at my father at Christmas dinner without blushing.”

“I guess we’re kinda dating, right? We don’t have to be Facebook official or anything like that, but I wouldn’t mind if we did all of those things again. **Especially** the sex, my god.”

“You’re such a boy!” Chloe exclaimed while pushing Beca a little and laughing when some of her wine sloshed over the sides of her glass and splashed onto her deck. “And sure, girlfriends sounds pretty good to me.”

Beca just smiled and placed her glass on the deck beside her before laying on her back and motioning for Chloe to join her. She finished draining her own glass and slowly eased herself back, groaning as the boards dug into her back but not moving once she got comfortable. It was nice to just have a moment like this and she didn’t want to get up and ruin it.

“I think I’m ready to tell you my story now.”

The breath caught in Chloe’s throat and she slowly swallowed as she felt overwhelmed with emotion. Beca had remembered their conversation on the back deck from so many weeks ago. And she loved her for it.

“Go ahead, I’ve got all night.” She leaned over and kissed the tip of Beca’s nose and added “I’m not going anywhere.”

“My mom was an amazing cook”, Beca began before stopping to take a quavering breath and compose herself again. It was harder than she had ever imagined it would be, but Chloe squeezed her hand and suddenly it wasn’t that bad. And even if it was, there were thousands of things in her life that would be harder than talking about the person that she loved with her entire heart and this was just the very beginning.

She would be okay.

“Oh yeah?” Chloe asked, guiding her along gently into her next thought. “What kind of stuff would she make?”

“Everything. She was just the best. And I think you probably would have loved her…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter and the story comes from Krampus by Houndmouth.


End file.
